misschaese

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sometimes it seems like we're
all living in some kind of prison and the crime is
how much we hate ourselves ... when you really look closely,
people are so strange
and so complicated that they're actually
b e a u t i f u l.
possibly even me.


*tell me something about you.

i don't really know how it all began, and what made it really evident
- i guess you can say, that in ways, i always kind of knew.
i always kind of knew,
it was going to be you.

it's funny. days just past, moments don't always last & i can't believe the ring sits on my finger.
that we've said our forevers, our i dos.
i'm so happy, aren't you?


YOU are going to change our lives, yes YOU.


any day now, our lives will hit a new high.
any day now.

babe, come out & meet the world.

so i guess it's time for some new material.

i guess that you can blame my hiatus on - writer's block. but nevertheless, it's no excuse. i haven’t even been doodling in my scrapbook, so for the past year or so – i have nothing to show for. whomp.



as cliche as this sounds -
i've married the man of my dreams.


to me;
it's always been you.
(i'm still in awe that you chose me)

i'm yours.

the more i think about it, the girly-er i become. i'm in a state of such happiness, like these are the best days of my life.
& the only thing that could feel as great as this is - meeting YOU.
yes, you. we can't wait to meet you, to hold you.
we love you so much already!

this, itself is surreal.

let's not get ahead of ourselves,
let's not say anything out loud,
let's not freaking jinx this.


it's so obvious,


(we'rebettertogether)



& so it begins, again.
you have stolen my heart.

one of these days maybe your magic wont affect me
and your kiss wont make me
w e a k
but no one in this world knows me the way you know me
so you'll probably always have a spell on me












i guess you can hold my hand if you want to.
(because i want to hold yours too)




how does a perfect love go wrong?
i'm swallowing my pride.
all i want is one more chance, to show you - you are right for me.


it's natural; we belong together.

during times like these, i usually turn to words for comfort. but for the first time in along time - i was speecless. everytime i tried to jot thoughts down on paper, i drew blanks. i simply could not find the words to help describe how i truly felt. my heart was broken.

this is so long overdue.
but there's not a day that goes by that i don't think about you ... and your family.
(not a single day)

nothing

has

ever

been

such a good example of

i r o n y -

until the day i heard you were gone.

the day it happened, April 16th 2007 - the worst massarce in US history my mind was in shambles. my reaction was delayed - at first it didn't click. it was not until i saw the images of the school logo, the school colours that i put two and two together - that's Jeff Jeff's university. i remember the talking with you until the crack of dawn last summer about how excited you were to finally getaway. to finally start pursuing your dreams of becoming an engineer - just like your dad. how you were thrilled to live on campus, meet new people. i remember telling you that university was tough stuff - but that you'd get the hang of it, after a few semesters.
you, so anxious. your parents, so proud.

we must have called your house a thousand times that day and because there was no answer, panic rose in Toronto. i swarmed your facebook wall with messages of concern. i didn't want to start to worry until i had to, but i couldn't help myself. i wanted so bad to hear from you - for you to tell me that you were okay. after all, bad things do happen to good people. then dad finally got the great news.
he uttered to me, 'thank God - Jeff Jeff's okay.'

the story was that you heard the gun shots in your dormatory - and got the heck out of there. if not, you would have made your way down to class in the engineering building and who knows what would have happened next.
you definitely had an angel by your side.

as the days passed, i found myself rather interested in all that was happening with V-Tech. the motive, the injured, the support and compassion from the world - every bit of new news that was outpoured to the rest of society, i knew about it. this fascination was came unexplained. it constantly checked the V-Tech website for updates, CNN the only kind of tv i watched - I was consumed. i remember my mom asking me, 'how could someone that young be so angry?' - i told her that times have changed and that it's a hard knock life out there.

the joy was short-lived.

where are were
what the heck is going on

the dust has only just begun to fall

crop circles in the carpet
sinking, feeling

spin me round again

and rub my eyes,

this can't be happening



none of this makes sense.
April 20th 2007, my world would never be the same. i remember exactly where i was. excatly what i was doing, what i was thinking. complete study mode that was only interrupted because of hunger. i was frustrated because i hated studying for economics and i was only on chapter 3 of 14 and it was nearly midnight. mom asked me to come home. i refused because i wanted to get more work done - was prepared to pull a decent all-nighter. then my brother asked me to come home, said something was up - but wouldn't say more on the phone. again, i didn't want to start to worry until i had to, but i couldn't help myself. this time it was different. i felt it. i felt my heart sink.

i came home to blank faces. no one was speaking, no one knew what to say. after moments of silence, the words were uttered, 'Jeff died'. the tears quickly rolled down my face, there was no intention of holding them back. my world completely shattered. i couldn't think straight. i focused on nothing but the fact that we wereliving proof of tragedy. nothing seemed to matter, nothing was as important - nothing but the fact that you were gone and nothing would be able to bring you back. we headed down to VA the next morning.

the 14 hour drive down to Virginia Beach was ...
i zoned out and just tuned into my ipod. kept my sunglasses on my face because just hearing the family say your name made the tears rush. it seems unfair that He took you and during the more recent days - I was filled with hatred and anger. I couldn't understand why He would let you survive the nightmare. i questioned why God would let you survive the slaughter, just to be killed 4 days later. i thought that it was so unfair because - to me, you were brilliant - you are brilliant. i was angry because the massarce indirectly affected your death. if the shootings never happened, then you would have never been home in Chesapeake - you would have been at V-Tech studying for finals and not hanging on for dear life. it wasn't until i was surrounded by loved ones and family and friends down in VA that i realized that the blessing behind you surviving the massarce was to have a chnace to see you family and friends one last time.

in this heaven, we'll never fully understand why. there will always be those hurts in our heart, but the Lord gives us comfort - great comfort and because of that, we shouldn't have to pursue the undertanding. so maybe there's no sense in searching for the answers. because no matter how long we search, they will never be revealed to us in this lifetime. we will never be exposed to that kind of knowledge - and we have to understand that that's okay.



sleeping in your bedroom with the other cousins reminded me of that summer night last year. we must've stayed up until 6am - just talking about out dreams, our aspirations. discussing how Amercians are so different from Canadians. how minimum wage was 5 something in VA and almost 8 bucks in Toronto. you tried to teach me and brother how to play guitar - but we didn't have the same eye-hand coordination like you did. we kept telling you that it hurt our fingers! and you told us that if we wanted to learn, we had to practice and sacrifice! we laughed about the childhood memories that we remembered about each other and we planned to visit eachother for every summer for as long as we lived. it felt so good to have the opportunity to restore the bond of family. that was our last night in VA, it was the last memory i have clinched onto. we bid our farewells and yelled, 'see ya next summer!' - i guess it's going to be goodbye for a little longer than expected.

your funeral,
was the hardest day of my life. but just seeing you there, so peaceful - gave me comfort, knowing that you're leaving a world filled with hatred and sufferings. that you were entering a place of everlasting life and that you would watch over us. lowering your casket broke my heart. it made me realize that were all truly mortal. that death is a part of life, something that we can't escape. and although, of course i knew that already, it was so clear in that moment. that even though you didn't want to leave any of us behind - it was simply your time. we don't choose death, but it is bestowed upon us.


Lord, help us to see death for what it really is -

the end of poverty & the beginning of riches,

the end of frustration & the beginning of fulfillment,

the end of fear & the beginning of tranquility,

the end of pain & the beginning of joy,

the end of weakness & the beginning of strength.


i think the worst and the best part about all of this is that - life goes on.
(i've been trying to live without you now, but i miss you sometimes)
it's hard to think about happiness, knowing that you're no longer with us. it's hard to think about laughter, knowing we'll never be able to see you're smile. these kind of things, these events that change our lives so drastically - i don't think you can ever get over.

if this doesn't make our family stronger, i don't know know what will. to this day, it still has not hit me. i think it will when your family comes down to Toronto this summer and you're the only missing face. i think it will when i realize you haven't messaged me in ages. when i haven't heard from you in awhile. i think it will, our next trip down to VA and we visit your grave.
i still can't believe that you're gone.









Eternal Light Shine Upon Jeff, O Lord
and May He Rest in Peace - Amen.



(they say time heals everything, but i'm still waiting)

who were we really kidding?



va beach 2006
(summer, i smell you)


i think it's time;

people come and go. walk in and out of lives. and its funny because we often do not remember what they have said or what they have done - but we often always remember the way they made us FEEL. it's hard not to take for granted what we have been given because in a world filled with constant pressures, we FORGET what's important to us. we forget in such a way that we do not want to remember. the past makes us stronger in the present and better for the future.

life lessons are only learned when you are able to teach them as well. for no one really learns anything, unless they have the ability to teach it to someone else.

you cannot be fully involved in a relationship when you are not able to love yourself. because accepting your own faults and flaws helps you realize high expectations barely bring forth satisfaction.

i feel as if the end of the world is always near for me. because i fear change. after all this time, i haven't fully comprehended how to accept the model. why change? but then again, why stay the same? comformity is something soceity has led us to believe that we should achieve. we live off acceptance. because who wants to be the loser. but often times we become too dependent on others that it leads us to be independent.

finding my own independance scares me. everyday, i commute to a place in which make me feel challenged. i'm there to learn in the old system educational institution, but i find myself gathering more information from the voice on the streets, but i have respect for the voice in the lecture halls. i stare into the busy streets and honking cars to realize i place all my time and efforts into the wrong categories. i debate whether i want to judge the one sitting beside me in class because what if someday, i'll need this person.

because that's how it all starts right? strangers become friends. i thought i never needed you, and now - what would i do without you. all of you. it's ironic how the right people come into our lives at the right time. either to satisfy a hidden desire, accomodate a friendship, teach a lesson, be a burden, a blessing. whatever the reason, the important thing is that there is that reason. i'm so lucky to have you in my life.

long overdue - here it is;
(forgive me, i think i've forgotten what it's like to write)

1. i think i've come to a point in my life where i'm okay with going down this path and not having all the answers. the journey of uncertainty has become the best part.

2. in 3 years time, i will be 25. which really means that i'm nearly 30.

3. i really feel that in another life i was a super star. actually, i take that back. i feel that in this lifetime, right now.

4. i'm so in love.

5. it still amazes me that a huge proportion of the people i went to elementary school / high school with are either engaged, married or have a family. i still feel like i'm 14 years young.

6. i remember when my life goal was to win an ocsar. (secretly, it still is)

7. i still don't understand why they raised minimum wage to eight dollars an hour. don't they understand that there are people out there who are ready and willing and to an extreme need the old six seventy five minimum wage jobs? corporations aren't going to be able to afford to pay eight dollars and hour minimum to every employee. this is how unemployment gap increases.

8. my first car is going to be a hybrid.

9. i still wonder what i'll be when i grow up.

10. i should spend one afternoon creating the soundtrack of my life. so when the day comes that some hot shot producer comes up to me with permission to film a tribute of my story, i'll be prepared.

11. short story. so there was this boy shopping at my work who wanted to buy his girlfriend a supplex suit and a matching tank top of her birthday. his bank put a hold on his cheque and he only had access to $232.00 until friday. he was $5.12 short to purchase the 3 items. he asked if we could discount the tank for him just so he could buy the gift and i said that it would put my position in jeopardy. the look on his face when we said no, we felt horrible. so i said, 'you know what, i'll lend you the $5.12' i busted out my visa and and processed the transaction. he was overwhelmed with complete joy. said that NEVER in his life did a stranger perform such a caring deed towards him. he promised that he would come back and repay me the cash, but i said not to bother, that it was okay. and he insisted, even asked if i wanted collateral. i laughed and said, 'no really, it's okay.' the following day, my coworker told me he came in, expressing his thanks and handed over a ten dollar bill. the point wasn't about the amount of money, it was merely the thought. the human connection is a powerful thing. (let's all pay it forward)

12. blame my hiatus on facebook.

the cousins & the girlfriends


it was so necessary.

nina said it best,
'cousins wedding on saturday was great.
we cleaned the open bar and got wasted (in-front
of our families). we lined danced, followed
the leader and had a fucking great time. we
seriously gotta have more weddings.
at the end of the night, i remember knocking out
with charisse and ryan laughing at me
because my eye makeup smeared all over.'


my wedding is going to be the maximum open bar.


(  jamming with our buddy, jose cuervo!  )




(we're better together.)

if you knew how happy you are making me,
i never thought i'd love anyone this much.




1. you know that feeling you get when you listen to songs that you used to listen to when you were feeling blue? i'm feeling that right now. lyrical content means so much to me. i feels good to know that there are people out there going through the same kind of rotten shit that you're going through.

2. how come there's so many people in this world who are able to live such luxurious lives and people who are living their lives in poverty? who decides the social structure in the world so that there is such a significant separation of wealth? and how on earth do i become a princess?

3. one thing that i always wanted but i knew i could never get, besides braces - was a twin.

4. i think i would be a much better person if i realized at a younger age that when i grow up all i want to be is .. happy.

5. i always, always wonder when i'm finally going to get that rock on my finger. my friends always said that i'm going to be the first one married.

6. sometimes i wish i wanted to become a doctor or something with a straight path way. mainly because i still don't have any idea what i want to do with my degree, once i attain it. it actually scares me to death.

7. what scares me more is that i stopped wondering, 'what if'. i'm so content with what i've got and it's so much better this time around. i'd be totally fine, if it was you for the rest of my life.

8. i like random notes from nice strangers.

9. have you ever wondered why people are so much more comfortable messaging each other via the internet and when you actually get to meet this person in real life it's the most awkward situation ever? haahahaa.

10. i still wish that every moment of our lives could be caught on tape. one to be able to relive the laughter and two to realize how fucking stupid we act in over dramatic situations.

these days it's hard to find someone to love
once you find them you don't want to give up

and now I know that we're both alone in this
it's just me and you against the world




this, itself is amazing.
ily.



we're coming to, the final days of summer.
what's been floating your boat?

it's been a while since i've let you in,
and simply stated -

i'm having the time of my life.

although the summer only really consisted of one real vacation to va beach with the fam, and although we're pretty much crunching down to the final days of the fun in the sun ... the changes and chances that i've had to endure have been immaculate.

i never talked about it much out loud. because i feared the finality of the truth. and i worried about having to explain where we went wrong, but the more that i talked about it, the more i realized that time heals all (well, most) of the pain. and with prayer and understanding comes great things. the time 'apart' was exaclty what we needed. and even though we still hung out 'as friends' - it was different. there were no obligations, no reasons to seek jealous or to hide from the truth. it was blunt, but it was sincere. and to tell you the truth, i've never been so happy in my entire life - because my plans are matching up with His. and it feels so good to know that things are finally falling into place.

but i do have something to admit, i do belong to a secret society. so secret that if anyone was to find out, we'd be over. seriously, i shouldn't even be telling you. but maybe the best thing that's ever happened. knowing that can count on these 5 girls, regardless of the situation is like a dream. and even though we all come from different places and are in different stages - it's brought us even closer. it came out of nowhere and no one ever thought it would happen, but it did and it became my ultimate support and my ideal situation of the last few months. we became the definition of what friendships should entail. we've opened ourselves up to each other and allowed for contrustive criticism as well as for ultimate bond-age. these girls are my life.

i feel like i'm conquering the world. in the midst of finals last semester, my manager pushed me to apply for the 'retail as a career' scholarship sponsered by the Retail Council of Canada. and having not heard from the committee after a few weeks, i thought my application went straight to waste. it's funny how one short phone call from a stranger can change your entire life. out of over 200 applicants, i was chosen among 20 others as a receiptant of such honour. with the recognition and the networking came a fat check of $1000, for simply stating my passion for the field of retail.
think about it - 'At present, most Canadian industries are competing for tomorrow’s most talented professionals. Today’s students will lead Canadian businesses toward continued future prosperity'.
now answer this - 'What information and insights would you provide to students to encourage them to make retail their career? Why do you want to build your career in the retail industry?'

(  and here was my answer;  )

and it only gets better - the Retail Council of Canada (RCC) holds a STORE Conference every year for networking purposes and for business solutions and ideas, in addition to retail innovation and guess who was invited! not only was i able to meet big bad executives from companies such as Wal-Mart, Loblaws, H&M, Microsoft, Sporting Life, Holt Renefrew, and Mr. Harry Rosen himself, the two day conference allowed me to spend time with Pippa Morgan, VP of Retail Operations for Aritzia. and though i've met her before while she was visiting stores in Toronto, this time was different - it was personal, intimate and interactive.

and after sucking all that in, and after the long needed vacay with the fam, i came back to work and i received my very first promotion. (jumps up and down, kicking and screaming, so freaking estatic!) i know, i know, i ran away from this for such a long time, but the challenge is excatly what i needed. so long to the home that i've created for myself at square one and hello to the hills of vaughan mills. and just when i thought all the good that can happen to me has already happened - there's more.

every year, twice a year - Aritzia holds a General Staff Meeting in Toronto for all of it's Toronto and Ottawa employees (they FLY the Ottawa staff for a staff meeting!). Usually held at the Distillery District or The Berkley Church in downtown Toronto, they gather the staff as well as Support Office staff, like Pippa and Brian Hill, President and Owner of Aritzia for gourmet food, perrier and organic juices and of course, the well anticipated trends of next season via a fashion show on a runway stage. they talk briefly about company wide plans for expansion and revitilization and how the stores did in terms of sales figures from last season. (side note; i can't believe they're thinking about opening in LA!) there's also awards given to the staff. some are voted in by staff members where 1 staff member can win in each store - also known as 'people's choice' awards such as 'miss congentiality' and 'style maven' and some regional awards, where there is only 1 receiptant for all of Toronto and Ottawa such as 'most improved sales' or 'ourstanding store'. so Pippa gets up on stage to present the regional award for 'outstanding employee' and starts blurting out positive characteristics that would be such a compliment to receive, but it wasn't until she mentioned the RCC that i realized she was talking about me! i was so heartfelt that i started to cry. mainly because she was with me during the conference and has been there even when i was working in the stores. i was flabbergasted - i was proud. besides the recognition, i now have a store value card (kind of like a gift card) of $300 to spend.

good things are happening, the best things come when you don't expect it.






i'm not fooling, this feeling is real.

i'll be true, i'll be useful
i'll be cavalier, i'll be yours - my dear.
and i'll belong to you,
if you just let me through

this is easy as lovers go
so don't complicate it by hesitating


i don't think i could ever ask for more. you are my meant to be.
let's finish what we started and achieve our dreams together.
let's share the life we know we deserve and let's believe in one another.
you've always bought the best out of me -
i always knew it was you.

to me, it doesn't matter how strong you survive alone -
it's how strong you survive with someone else.


secret heart, what are you made of?
what are you so afraid of?

i don't think i've openly talked about this until now. maybe it's because i haven't found the complete courage to actually say things out loud, because let's get serious, you only started telling people recently. so please, bare with me - i never ever thought this would happen to me. ever.

i don't know if it was better when you and i weren't talking to each other. if it was easier to get through the day and if it was easier to breathe. but even that didn't last long, because like you said - 'our lives were meant to be shared'. i don't know if this whole thing is better for us in the end, nevermind, i take that back - it is, because we promised ourselves that we would be better people at the end of all this. and i truly believe that. because i can already see the change happening. i just wish that we didn't have to go through this awkward phase of insecurities. and i just wish that things would go back to the way that they used to be - but at the same time, not in the same way.

i don't want to play this game with my heart on the line.

(but i wouldn't deserve to feel love if i didn't)

i just don't want to give my heart away, and i'm terrified to fall in love.

(but my heart's already yours for the keeping)

so please be careful, i've never been this fragile in my whole entire life.


right now everything you want is wrong
right now all your dreams are waking up


and some days are so much better than others. the days when i can laugh and smile without any doubt. when i feel beautiful within myself and allow myself to accept my flaws and my faults. but i certainly feel that the worst is yet to come. that one day, we'll stray away and just stop existing. that you'll forget about me and forget everything that was so important to us. that you'll live your life, accomplish all your dreams and achieve all your goals - without me. this in itself is so surreal, surreal in such a way that i hope tomorrow i'll actually wake up with no memory of the occurances of the past few days - kind of like my own eternal sunshine. i don't think you'll ever know just how much you mean to me.

we often isolate ourselves from reality because we are afraid of the challenge that it brings. we run from potential relationships because we rather not feel the hurt that comes along with them. we'd rather be alone, because alone there is no pain. sure we can live, a life full of endless secrets, but what kind of life would that be? because it is when we let people know things about ourselves that we gain a sense of bond between them. it is when we let others understand our needs body, mind and soul that we are able to find a certain connection. it is when we share with others our life stories and life experiences that we are able to learn, able to grow. and it is when we let people into our lives that we are actually allowing ourselves live.




* * *

when a relationship has surpasses all fears
has stated the worst things to each other
has suffered the hardest of the hard
and laughter is still made without
holding grudges or looking back with regrets
that's when you know that everything you're
wotking so hard to achieve is achievable
because you have someone on your side
who wants the exact same things out of life as you do
when you can look at each other
and see the future instead of the past


that is when it's worth fighting for
and that is when moments spent apart
are the best things for the relationship
because it reminds you of who you want to be
what you want to do
and how much of a better person you are with them





t-minus; 4 days

t-minus; 12 days


well-needed, well-deserved.
basking in the blazing heat of the sun,
i'm going to miss you.



some things tie your life together
with slender threads of things to treasure
days like that should last and last and last


i really feel like this is the beginning of the rest of our lives.
and when random nights turn into nights of passion,
and when actions speak louder than words,
i left with this complete thought of wonder.
what in the world are we doing to each other?
(youwithforeverstarttowaitcan'ti)


i'm having the time of my life,

i won't hesitate no more, no more

it cannot wait i'm sure

there's no need to complicate

our time is short

this is our fate, i'm yours




'it's your God-forsaken right to be loved ...'

you are my most favourite thing, ever.
hands down;





i'm fucking burnt from laying out in the sweltering heat.
!!!

okay, for all of you who are curiously wondering
what the hell is going on,
your biggest concern isn't to wonder,
but it should be why you aren't coming up with the nerve to
just ask me.

here's the day we hope would never come
don't feed me violence
just run with me through rows of speeding cars

it's bittersweet,
and as cliche as it sounds,
it gets better as the days go by.
and time will heal most of the pain.

but until it surpasses,
and this whole thing just blows over,
i'm pretty much MIA.
those who matter, will follow through.
there's life beyond this monitor,
life beyond the words, the photos,
and if we really do mean something to each other,
like we always say we do,
you'll find a way to come see me,
in the real world.
because i think i need you now more than ever.
those who've come along for the ride so far,
i'm sorry that i'm dragging you into a bottomless pit,
but we'll survive.
together.



* * *
i love you more than all of the stars in the sky.

where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only
just began to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes
this can't be happening
when busy streets amassed with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

what did you say?
that you only meant well,
well of course you did
what did you say?
that it's all for the best,
of course it is
what did you say?
that it's just what we need
and you decided this?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid sweet talk newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling, no i don't believe you

you don't care a bit

you don't care a bit







*you did the inevitable.